


Thrive

by TheRaven



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Coming Out, F/M, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Transgender, Transmisogyny, Transphobia, transphobic slurs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-30
Updated: 2014-04-30
Packaged: 2018-01-21 08:14:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1543892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRaven/pseuds/TheRaven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky remembers a lot of things after deprogramming and therapy. Including that she's a girl.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thrive

**Author's Note:**

> This work contains a transmisogynistic slur. It's just the one, and it's near the end, but if you're sensitive to that kind of thing, you may not want to read this. I'd rather someone close this fic than be hurt by it.
> 
> Anyway, this headcanon has been with me for awhile, but I just started to write this in my head last night. I hope you enjoy reading this fic as much as I enjoyed writing it! Look for a possible part two with some darker themes (transphobia, transmisogyny, etc.) sometime soon.

Bucky remembers a lot of things after deprogramming and therapy. Including that she's a girl.

Besides Steve, the Avengers take the news with some hesitation, asking without actually asking whether this development is a result of Bucky's trauma and subsequent attempts to reverse the effects of said trauma. Steve, though, assures them that Bucky has been like this since they were teenagers, and he shares enough embarrassing stories about her young adulthood that she drags him out of the room to stop him.

Still, she doesn't stop him before he tells them all about how when they were teenagers, she stole an absolutely garish shade of lipstick from the cosmetics counter at a local store and how she looked beautiful with it on even though it was completely wrong for her. How she used to kiss him with the lipstick on and leave prints on his cheek and collar that he waited to clean off until he had to. How when they moved into an apartment together, she got up the courage to find some dirt-cheap dresses and skirts and blouses to wear when they went out to the gay bars, and even though they weren't very flattering, they made her look amazing.

This isn't a new thing—not, Steve makes sure to say, that it would be bad if it was—but it's the first time in seventy-odd years that Bucky remembers how she felt before she was taken and tortured and turned into a weapon. Remembering makes her feel terrified and powerful at the same time, because they took everything from her, but she got it all back. Now, she just has to figure out what to do with it.

When she feels like opening up, she talks to Natasha and Pepper first. It's not that she doesn't trust the others, but she feels that, being women as well, they'll understand more of what she went through and be able to tell her more of what she will be going through as she moves forward. She confesses to them how it felt when she was drafted to serve her country, how she cried when she had to put away her clothes and her makeup and made Steve promise to keep everything safe for her for when she got back. She tells them how she kept her hair in the only style she could stand that still read as male in her everyday life and that she wished when they went out that they had the money for a wig. And they listen, quietly at first but gradually asking more and more questions—never any that are too invasive, but ones that help them understand how she feels and what she wants.

The first thing Bucky does (when Natasha tells her about it, which takes a day and a half) is make appointments for laser hair removal. The worst thing for her has always been her stubble, because even when she shaves in the morning, it always comes back by the end of the day. She used to scrape her skin raw trying to keep it at bay, but this wonderful invention will take care of it for good. It takes several appointments, paid for by Tony because he's not sure how else to help, to get rid of it all, but when it's done with, she can't stop touching her newly-smooth skin. Tony also pays for appointments to get rid of most of her other body hair, but she takes those appointments slowly because there's so much else to do and because the other hair doesn't bother her as much.

Pepper takes Bucky shopping after she completes the laser hair removal on her face. Bruce tags along for moral support, because even though he doesn't know fashion, he says he wants her to know he supports her. As it turns out, he may not know clothes, but he knows shoes even more than Pepper does, and when they stop off at the shoe store, he helps her pick out half a dozen pairs of spectacular and surprisingly comfortable heels and flats. The shoes and the new wardrobe are paid for by a company credit card, which is almost like Tony paying for it but not quite.

Clint, who used to be a make-up artist before he fell into being a superhero, shows Bucky how to do her makeup. Things have changed, he points out, since she last wore any, and it's important to get her up to date. She confesses that her eyebrows, which are thick and masculine, frustrate her to no end, but she's afraid to shape them herself. So, rather than do it himself, Clint and Thor her to a high-end salon and has them do it.

“My Lady needs her brows shaped into something more befitting a woman of her beauty!” Thor announces when they enter the salon. “Not that they are not already befitting of a woman of her beauty, of course, but it would make her feel better, so here we are.”

The receptionist stares at him, wide-eyed, until he gestures to Bucky, who's all but cowering behind him. She notices her at last and gives her a confused look.

“Your Lady—” she starts questioningly, but Clint cuts her off.

“Yes, his Lady,” he says calmly. “We have an appointment. It's under Smith, though. You know how it goes. People like to dig up dirt on well-known people. Better to use a fake name when you do stuff like this.”

The receptionist nods and goes to get the woman they made the appointment with.

“You'll be fine, Bucky,” Clint says when he notices her blushing scarlet. “They just use this warm wax stuff on your eyebrows. It'll be over before you know it.”

“That's not what I'm worried about,” she says quietly. “Did you see the way she looked at me?”

“How she looked at you doesn't matter,” Clint says firmly. “Just think about how much better you'll feel once you get your brows done.”

Bucky nods and goes with the woman to a row of reclining chairs in the back of the salon. The woman is very professional, though perhaps a bit cold. She asks Bucky how she wants her brows, and Bucky stutters that she hasn't thought about it much past “more feminine.” The woman nods, cracks a small smile, and tells her that she'll make sure she looks fabulous.

And Clint is right: she feels much better after she sees the final result. Her brows are curved now instead of flat, and they soften the strong angles of her face. The woman has used a powder to darken her brows a little and increase the curve of them, and Bucky buys some of the stuff she used as well as a brow kit from her when she goes to pay. Clint nudges her out of the way and pays in cash. Thor compliments Bucky loudly on her miniature transformation, and Bucky blushes again, but in a good way this time.

She changes her name to Jamie when she feels comfortable enough to go to court in a dress. The judge gives her a once over, asks her why she wants to change her name, and nods when she tells him. She doesn't explain that she likes the name because it'll suit her when she doesn't have the energy to pass as well as when she's perfectly made-up and dressed to the nines; she just says it matches her gender identity. (That's a new term she learned from Bruce, and it feels very comforting.) The judge grants her the name change without so much as a peep of protest.

Getting all her identification changed is time-consuming, but Bucky has her new family to help her out. They all ask her whether she prefers Bucky or Jamie now, and she decides she can't bear to give up the nickname she's had her whole life, so either is fine. Her driver's license still has a little “M” on it when they're done, but at least it doesn't say “James” anymore. You'd think S.H.I.E.L.D.-created documents would be able to have the gender marker changed more easily, but they have to go by legal regulations.

Getting her driver's license changed is a relatively simple matter, though. She needs a letter from a doctor saying she's transgender, and S.H.I.E.L.D.'s team of medical professionals can provide that for her no problem. Getting her birth certificate or social security card changed is another matter entirely, because she needs surgery to do that and is hoping to just go on hormones, but she's happy with just the driver's license for now.

Of course, people talk. Bucky doesn't leave the Tower often, but when she does, people sometimes recognize her, even under the makeup and nice clothes. She would say it's because of the arm, but she hides that under cardigans and kid gloves. Tony thinks it's her eyes, which are still cold and calculating and ever darting around to determine possible threats and escape routes, even when she's safe in the Tower. Bruce just says tactfully that she cuts a striking figure, which makes it easier for people to remember her. Bucky wonders if she should consider either of those an insult but ultimately decides both of them mean well.

When the talk gets too loud and too inflammatory, S.H.I.E.L.D. calls a press conference to discuss Bucky's changes in appearance. Steve tells her she doesn't have to talk, but she researches everything she wants to say to make sure she's using the right language, and she has notes prepared by the time the conference rolls around. The other Avengers go with her and Steve as moral support. Thor, who has been her most outwardly enthusiastic supporter, wants to give the opening statement, but Steve feels that it would be more tactful if he does it instead.

“So you've no doubt heard the rumors,” he starts, looking out over the assembled reporters. “But rumors have the habit of breeding lies, so I'm here to help Bucky here get the truth out there.”

Steve squeezes Bucky's hand under the table.

“First, you can still call her Bucky Barnes,” Steve says. “Second, yes, I did just say 'her.'”

There's an audible murmur that ripples through the crowd, half shock and half smugness. Steve pauses to let it die down, then continues.

“I'm aware that you all know Bucky as the Winter Soldier, but I know Bucky as a confident young woman who was nonetheless so terrified of retaliation that she hid who she was from everyone but a select few people, myself included.” Steve fixes the reporters with a stern gaze. “She was not allowed to be herself in the society we came from, and she was not allowed to be anything but a weapon while she was the Winter Soldier. Now, she finally feels safe enough to show the world who she really is.”

Steve gestures to her.

“Bucky?” he says gently. “You wanted to say a few words?”

Bucky nods and clears her throat, incredibly conscious of her Adam's apple. Clint did her makeup today, and she knows she looks flawless, but she feels like there are cracks everywhere in her appearance. She tugs at the hem of her blouse, which is sleeveless today to show off her metal arm, and clears her throat again before looking out at the reporters. Her mouth is very dry, but she's resolved to do this, and she's going to do it right.

“When I was a kid,” she starts, very aware that her voice is still too deep to be considered feminine, “boys were boys and girls were girls. You didn't get to switch from one to the other, no matter how badly you wanted to. If you did, you were seen as a freak and run out of polite society, if not outright beaten. Any ambiguity was stamped out from an early age.”

She doesn't talk for long, but she shares the anecdotes that Steve shared with the other Avengers when she first came out. Her voice wavers, but she keeps going, because this is important. 

“I'm not looking for special treatment,” she says when she's done. “I'm just hoping you'll treat me like you would anyone else. Thank you.”

The first question is to ask about her surgery plans. Bucky is expecting it, but that doesn't make her any less angry about it when it happens. She gives the reporter a long, cold look and holds up a hand to silence Steve, who starts to answer for her.

“Tell me something,” she says to the reporter, who nods. “Is this question about my dick?”

“What?” the reporter asks, visibly flustered.

“Is this question about my dick?” Bucky repeats, enunciating clearly and not even bothering to pitch up her voice at all.

“I, uh, well, I suppose your, uh, reproductive organs are included in a question about sex reassignment surgery, yes,” he says after a moment.

“Would you ask another woman about her vagina?” Bucky asks, watching the man with utter contempt.

“I fail to see how it's any business—“

“And I fail to see how it's any business of yours to ask me about my dick or lack thereof,” Bucky says coolly. “My body is my business and my partner's business and my doctor's business. No one else's.”

The reporter sits down, face reddening. Thor laughs uproariously, and Natasha cracks a barely-visible smile. Clint and Tony both give Bucky a thumbs-up, and Bruce just smiles serenely. Bucky smiles defiantly at the group of reporters, daring them to ask another invasive question.

“When did you discover you were transsexual?” another reporter asks after a long silence.

“Transgender, ma'am,” Bucky corrects her. “And the answer to that is complicated. I technically knew when I was just a punk-ass kid, but I didn't remember knowing until a few months ago. Brainwashing does a real number on your sense of self, and I didn't regain that or my memory until recently.”

“Do you think you're taking things a bit fast?” a third asks.

“I spent something like eighty-five years waiting to come out,” Bucky deadpans. “I hardly think I'm taking things fast.”

The crowd chuckles. She's clearly winning them over, which is a relief. She doesn't want to have to fight tooth and nail for their acceptance like she will for most people's.

“Are you seeing anyone right now?” asks a very petite young woman from the front row. “You mentioned a partner?”

Bucky looks at Steve, who shrugs.

“I've been in a very happy relationship with Steve since we were teenagers,” she says.

“This next one's for Steve,” another reporter says, pushing his glasses up his nose. “What has being in a relationship with Bucky meant for you in terms of your sexuality?”

“I loved Bucky before she came out to me,” Steve says with a shrug, “and I love her now that she's out to the world. Who she is has nothing to do with my sexuality. We're happy together, and that's all that matters.”

He pauses.

“But if you really have to know what I identify as, I think the term would be pansexual,” he says. “I've been attracted to people of all genders, but I'm very satisfied with my current relationship.”

“And what about you, Bucky?” the same reporter asks.

“I think I'd have to say the same,” she replies, “for lack of a better term. I'm also very satisfied with my current relationship.”

Steve squeezes her hand again, this time above the table.

“But doesn't that mean you're straight?” another reporter asks. “If you're a woman and he's a man, it's a heterosexual relationship.”

“First, thank you for acknowledging that I am a woman,” Bucky says. “Second, someone's choice of partner doesn't determine their sexuality. A bisexual woman doesn't cease to be bisexual when she dates a man, because she still likes other genders. I don't cease to be pansexual because I'm dating Steve because men aren't the only people I find attractive.”

There are more questions, but none are very interesting. They're about ready to end the conference when a man stands up out-of-turn and starts to speak.

“Fucking tranny!” he yells. “You're poisoning the minds of children with your filthy—“

He's tackled by security personnel and dragged off, still screaming epithets and slurs.

“Anyone else want to assume I'm a man in a dress?” Bucky asks the crowd calmly when the ruckus dies down. “No? Good. I think we can leave things off here. If you have any more questions, you can set up an interview with S.H.I.E.L.D.'s PR department.”

The Avengers walk off the stage and pile into the back of the large van they're using as transportation to and from the conference. It allows them all to sit facing each other and talk to each other during the ride, and Bucky prefers it over going in separate cars. The camaraderie is palpable.

“You did great, Buck,” Steve says, slapping her on the back.

“I had a lot of help,” Bucky insists, even as the other Avengers tell her she did all the hard work. “I couldn't have done it if I didn't have you all sitting with me up there.”

“How do you feel now that it's over?” Natasha asks.

“I feel a lot better,” Bucky says with a smile. “Still scared, but better.”

“That's the most important thing,” Natasha says.

“Yeah,” Bucky says, blushing a little.

She'll still have to deal with assholes like the guy who shouted slurs at her at the conference, but the Avengers are living proof that not everyone is like that. Bucky knows she can handle the bad stuff if she has them behind her. It'll be difficult, but she can do it. They'll help protect her, she knows that. And while she can't express in words how much it means to her that they accept her for who she is, she can at least show them that they're helping her to thrive by continuing to live her life the way she feels the most comfortable and genuine, no matter where that takes her.


End file.
